Wednesday, December 15, 2010


I feel like such a sellout (read the previous post if you’re confused why). But what can I say, I’ll go where the Benjamins are, and Vick’s has brought me some Benjamins. To welcome in the new era, I thought I’d just throw out some random thoughts I have. (Editor’s note: The following is a shortened version of Bryson’s post. The content taken out was far too extreme for both our ownership partners and our proud sponsor Vick’s Vapor Rub)

• I love the show “Survivor.” I hadn’t watched it for ten years up until this season, and I forgot just how addictive the show is. The concept of voting people to leave is brilliant. If only they implemented this idea in the workplace, we’d all be happier. Well, all of us except that lunatic in accounting who we’d all agree to send packing.
• In fact, it is now my goal to either get on “Survivor” or get a close friend of mine to get on the show. While we’re here, I have a strategy to get on the show: Act like a crazy person. Convince the producers that you are genuinely deranged and completely self-oblivious, and you have a decent chance at getting on the show. In my audition tape I think I’ll hunt down my neighbor’s cat, skin it, and sacrifice it to the “Survivor Gods.” Then I’ll claim to have better people skills than Tom Hanks, better athleticism than LeBron James, and better leadership skills than Gandhi. Your telling me the producers don’t want to see that guy on the island? They’ll think I’m reality TV gold.
• The sad truth is that I would stink on Survivor. I would overanalyze everything. I would be paranoid. I would offend everyone there since I won’t have my editor there to censor me. Knowing this, I think I would use my time on the show to become famous. Naturally, the best way to become famous on a reality TV show is to act like a crazy person. I’m not sure what I would do, but it for sure involves screaming at contestants who ask where I’m from, claiming Jeff Probst is my biological father, and carrying around a rotten banana everywhere I go and claiming it’s an immunity idol. Once I’m the established crazy person on the island, people won’t vote me off for a long time (since they’ll know I can’t realistically challenge them to win it all), and I’ll have weeks to win America over with my trademark wit and plump physique. It’s a win-win.
• After rereading that last paragraph, I think I might actually be a crazy person. However, this works since in Survivor the people who are true to themselves have a good chance to win it all. So, I guess I could win Survivor. Hmmm, I wonder what I’ll do with the million dollars I get when I win. All that comes to mind are fancy linens and rare vinyl records ...
• I love Vick’s Vapor Rub. It’s just so good. And useful. Like if you’re sick, and maybe you need some vaporizing action, I can’t think of a better solution than Vick’s Vapor Rub. Vick’s Vapor Rub: Got the rub?

A New Era

(Editors Note: Bryson’s blog has taken on new ownership. And we are pleased to announce that Vick’s Vapor Rub has agreed to be our first corporate sponsor. As part of this new era in the ABC blog, we have asked Bryson to tone down his writing, and we have forbid him from writing any more radical or controversial posts. Furthermore, as the editor of this website, I now have the final say on what is posted. No more midnight “I’m going to throw a grenade at the way you view the world” posts by Bryson. For now on this blog will be designated for Bryson’s light humor and anecdotes. And since Bryson always took too long to figure out which letter comes next, we have ended the alphabetical theme—for now. Sorry, Bryson. You’re welcome, World. Sincerely, Chief Editor B. Rodriguez)

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Z is for Ground Zero (An Open Letter to Terrorists)

Dear Terrorists,

I know this may be a little late-coming, but just so you know you won. Yep, you won. You got us. The day you crashed your planes into the World Trade Center was obviously a success from your standpoint. You scared the dickens out of us. The WTC, or Ground Zero as we call it now, became a haunting reminder to us that this world we live in is evil and mankind is capable of terrible things. Good job on that. I’m being sarcastic, of course when I say good job, but I gotta’ give credit where credit is due.

You won that battle between thousands of innocent civilians and a plane. This you know. But I’m not sure if you realize that you won the war, too. Did you know that? Well, let’s recap. You wanted us to acknowledge you and your beliefs. Check. You wanted to send us into a frenzy. Check. You wanted to destroy our nation. Check.

Since your pathetic attempt at bravery our nation’s leaders have used your actions as an excuse to slowly take away our liberties one piece at a time. You obviously love oppression, so this has to make you happy. (By the way, those of you who actually flew the planes, how is hell treating you? Can you even feel any form of happiness there? Just curious.) Regardless, you deserve to know that your mission—albeit a despicable one—was accomplished. You wanted us in bondage, and our leaders have saw to it that we are in it.

Our executive branch has taken enough authority upon itself now that there is no longer any semblance of “checks and balances”. All they have to do is claim that they are fighting you guys, and they can do whatever they want. Ever read Lord of the Rings? I assume your answer is no since you suck so bad, and sucky people rarely read it. Anyway, in the books, there is this ring of power that distorts the mind of anyone who possesses it, and makes them do horrible things with their power in the name of good intentions. Well, the embers from 9/11 somehow forged a ring of power that our leaders have been putting on ever since. (While we’re here, I mean no offense when I say you suck. I mean, surely even you can acknowledge that you do.)

(BTW, who are you? Some people say you aren’t virgin seeking radical Muslims from the Middle East at all, but someone more local. There is evidence both ways, but I am curious. If you don’t want to tell me, that’s cool. I’m just a normal American citizen, so I’m obviously not prepared for the truth. . . . And while we’re here, how did you get the buildings to fall so quickly by means never accomplished before in history. After just one hour of the planes resting in a small portion of the gigantic towers, the whole building collapsed in a manner eerily similar to planned demolition. How did you pull that one off? And how did you get the two other planes to completely disintegrate? Did you use some sort of Middle Eastern magic? And if you could use magic, why bother with the planes at all? I’m so confused.)

Since your attacks, the laws of our country have changed so much that anyone who actually believes we live in a free country is as delusional as a member of Al Qaeda.(No offense by that analogy, but seriously, you thought you’d get a bunch of virgins in heaven if you rammed a plane into a building? Yikes.) Not only is the very law of our nation now subverted into some prettied up version of socialism (A big no-no in the old America), but the rest of the world hates us.

No, really, they do. See, what happened, is after you attacked us, we decided somebody had to pay. Sure, we’re Christians, but not when it comes to politics. At least this is what I have gathered from reading the papers. Anyway, so we decided to go into Afghanistan (where we supposed you were), and also Iraq (same reason . . . sort of). Well, it turns out the rest of the world doesn’t like it when we start policing other nations. Something about “their liberties”; I can’t remember the whole story. Anyway, they especially hate it when it turned out our “intelligence” on Iraq was doctored and our reasons for going there were hazy. In fact, our going there got you more recruits than anything else you’ve done. Talk about a backfire.

Speaking of backfire, eventually the Americans caught on to the trickery from our administration. So their answer was change. I don’t want to get into semantics but the “change” they were looking for was merely a political party thing. So, to end the reign of liberty-stealing politicians, they decided to appoint leaders who were even more inclined to take away liberties in name of the "greater good." Whoops! Have you read the book 1984? Wait—sorry, never mind. You wouldn’t understand. Again, no offense.

Today the matter of American civil liberties is virtually irrelevant. It’s a sad story, really (Well, for us it is—not for you, of course). The hijacked planes of 9/11 now symbolize America itself. The course once set has been derailed, our rights once held with vigor and reverence have been stolen through treachery, and while some passengers are trying desperately to right the ship, their efforts are thwarted by the men with more weaponry (and more camera time). Bet you didn’t see that coming, huh? Well, neither did the rest of us. We now live in a country that is ruled by an all-powerful, all-seeing federal government that is allowed to send us to prison without due process, invade our privacy without cause, tax the living hell out of us, and even touch our children’s privates at airports. All this because of you. Because you won. Touché scum bags, touché.

Grieving American Citizen


Today's recommendation: My new comedy group, Left Field Stand Up, is recording a DVD with Excel Films next month (January 14-15) at the Wagner Theater in downtown Salt Lake. If you're interested, go to If you go to purchase tickets, use the promo code "Humor U" for half off.