Monday, December 21, 2009
C is for "C" Grade Comedy
White man, rifle
Does that mean anything to you? It does to me. I once laughed so hard after seeing it written on my AP English whiteboard that I had to go to the bathroom in order to avoid an embarrassing situation. Okay, not really, but I did laugh hysterically.
You see, some friends of mine used what was a spare whiteboard for our own games and jokes. We would rank the best NES games of all time (I voted for Tecmo Super Bowl, my favorite), give pretend advice and historical lessons, write jokes, and make drawings of all kinds of nonsense, all the while encouraging other periods to give us feedback. It was basically a prehistoric blog. Anyway, my friend Tyler (who is also known as Meatloaf, T-Bone, Goo, and Pizzazz), a person who has always had a unique sense of humor, is the author of the “Navajo Way.” What the point of Navajo Way is I can’t say I exactly know. But all I will ever know is that, to me, it was comic genius.
My point? Comedy is in the eye of the beholder. Excluding Tyler Perry, incessantly crude comics, and people who just flail their arms and make explosion noises, all comedy is subjective. In other words, excluding those three (which are ineligible of being considered funny), what makes something (or someone) funny is simply their ability to make others laugh. Sure, there is better comedy than others (for example, anybody who isn’t named Tyler Perry is better than Tyler Perry), but my friend Meatloaf’s joke affected me as well as any Seinfeld or Bill Murray joke ever has, as inexplicably odd as I'm sure that sounds.
So, while this entry is titled “‘C’ Grade Comedy,” I’m holding on to the hope that one of the below jokes will make you laugh anyway. Sure, this is a compilation of ten random jokes I deemed not good enough to use in my standup act, but I still like them. Depending on what you think of Navajo Way, the fact that I still like these jokes may not compel you to read them. I don’t know. But read them anyway. One last thing. I’ve changed my mind: People who flail their arms and make explosion noises are kind of funny.
In no particular order . . .
* I don’t drink alcohol.
In fact, I’ve never once even tried alcohol.
Sometimes people tell me that’s crazy.
I’ll tell you what’s crazy: Shooting the president because you think it will impress Jodie Foster—that’s crazy.
* Ever notice those “Mean People Suck” bumper stickers?
They’re nice and all, but I think mean people should counter them with
“Whiny people put ‘Mean People Suck’ bumper stickers on their car” bumper stickers.
And then whiny people could counter with “Insecure mean people put ‘Whiny people put ‘Mean People Suck’ bumper stickers on their car” bumper stickers on their car.
You know what, never mind. Bumper stickers are stupid.
* People are inherently very impressed by others who can get themselves out of a tight spot.
Why else would we celebrate birthdays?
* I’m a conspiracy theorist—but with movies.
For example, have you seen “The Fugitive”?
I think Harrison Ford DID kill his wife.
* I feel bad for people who have common names.
If you’re name is Mike Smith, you meet people with your exact name like three times a week.
I think if I met somebody else with the name of Bryson Kearl, I would demand that he change his name.
He of course wouldn’t—it’s a great name.
I wonder if he would be willing to fight for the name. Maybe we could arm wrestle for it, or joust.
I think if we arm wrestle, I would win, but if we jousted, I’d give him the upper hand.
Is he smarter than me? What if he challenges to me to a battle of wits?
Man, I really hope we arm wrestle.
* You know, I used to love Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers,
But then Candace broke up with me.
And I realized how much it hurts,
And I just can’t support that type of thing.
* What’s the point of the letter “C”? It’s completely unnecessary.
The letters “S” and “K” already cover ss and kk sounds.
I propose we take “C” out of the alphabet.
I also think we should take the number six out of the numeric system.
Completely unnecessary … and satanic.
* My wife told me you can’t believe everything you see on TV.
She’s always underestimating me.
*I love lists. I think they’re great.
I actually made a list of my favorite lists.
#1: Things I imagine Ron Weasley would do if he wasn’t a wizard list
#2: People least likely to be the next James Bond list
#3: Favorite lists list
#4: Races of people who are clearly better at sports than white people list
#5: Different heights that Shaquille O’Neal was growing up list
* I bet a pyromaniac would be really conflicted if he watched a fireman put out a fire at his own house . . .
And the fireman was his wife . . .
And she was pregnant . . .
With somebody else’s baby . . .
Today's recommendation: Check out the comedian Steven Wright. He is my all-time favorite stand-upper (not a word), and he never resorts to "C" grade comedy. The idea of anyone not loving him is poppycock (a real word).