W is for the World Cup

When I was a kid, I didn’t believe in soccer. I thought it was a game that we sometimes played at school, and while it was it fun enough, it was just a temporary diversion from the real sports we played.

It wasn’t until years later that I learned the truth. I learned the truth about soccer around the same time that I realized there is a difference between patriotism and xenophobia, America isn’t the center of the universe, the government is filled with crooks, and my television set doesn’t really care about my well-being. It came as quite a blow.

What am I getting at? I’ll be blunt: Americans have been deceived. Not only does soccer exist, and not only is soccer a real sport, it’s THE sport. (Now, I’m not saying it has to be YOUR sport, but it is without question the world’s favorite sport.) Despite the smear campaign against soccer that has been put on by American sports media since forever, soccer is the game that the rest of the world reveres the way Americans revere basketball, football, and baseball . . . combined.

And it’s not just because they’re “all a bunch of stupid foreigners.” Trust me. I used to think that too (By the way, foreigners think our disliking of soccer is proof that we are hillbillies. . . . Oh, the misperceptions). It took me years to clean out of my head the hate ingrained in me by my culture and to accept that soccer is really, really cool. And the World Cup? It is nothing short of the best sports tournament in the world. So, to help all my readers who know little about soccer or the World Cup, I have made a list of ten things to know going into this year’s tournament.

1) Everything I just typed is true. Soccer is cool, and the World Cup is the best sports tournament in the world. Let that sink in for minute. . . . Are you letting it sink in? . . . Okay, let’s move on.

2) Like all sporting events, it’s only fun if you care. There is no better way to care than to realize that to most of the countries involved these games are way more important than the Olympics. For all the reasons we love the Olympics, we should really love the World Cup. These games literally impact international relations (more on that in a bit). And if nothing else, keep in mind that these nations take the results of every game very seriously. Many foreigners don’t call soccer “THE sport,” they call it “everything.” Sad but true.

3) The best (and usually most exciting) team in the world is Brazil. They play soccer the way the Harlem Globetrotters play basketball, and they have won more Cups than anyone. However, this year they are playing a more defensive style, which is making their country irate.

4) If you’re betting on the Cup, it is usually a safe assumption to assume that Brazil and Germany will go far. Since 1950, either (or both) team has been in the final of every World Cup except two. And those two times, one of them took third. This year, Germany doesn’t look as solid, but that hasn’t mattered in the past . . .

5) The best teams to have never won it: Netherlands and Spain. Netherlands is notorious for being super-talented and then underachieving in the tournament (having failed in two finals). Spain is a favorite this year alongside Brazil.

6) Even though England has won it (1966), they act like they are the most cursed team in the world. Their famously over-excitable media goes nuts during the World Cup. While England has a great team this year, they always expect to blow it in the big games. Think city of Cleveland multiplied by ten. Preparing for their opening game against the U.S., the English media has been especially arrogant. Much like they were the last time these two teams played (1950), the Brits are belittling the Americans every chance they get and they expect to beat us easily. By the way, the U.S. won that game 60 years ago.

7) America’s soccer program is on the rise, but we aren’t there yet. Remember how Butler got to the National Championship game this year during March Madness? Before the tournament, it wouldn’t have been inconceivable for them to go there. But do you know anyone who actually put them there on their brackets? Me neither. US Soccer is the Butler of the World Cup. They could, but they probably won’t. U.S. players to watch: Landon Donovan, Clint Dempsey, Tim Howard, Oguchi Onyewu, Jozy Altidore, and Michael Bradley. Possible surprises: Jose Torres, Herculez Gomez, Edson Buddle, and Robbie Findley. (By the way, my favorite American player is Clint Dempsey. Check him out below.)



8) The World Cup is always controversial. There have been multiple incidents involving “shady” refereeing. Too many to detail in this blog, but just know that many teams have had good reason to feel cheated—because they were cheated! Also, there was the time Maradona used to his hand (um, that’s illegal in soccer) to score the winning goal. There was the time Germany lost on purpose to screw over Algeria. Then there was the time a Kuwaiti official stormed the field and demanded a French goal be overturned (and remarkably it was). And there was the time Mussolini had the Italian players stand and hold the fascist solute until the French home crowd stopped booing them. Remember, this isn’t just about soccer; for many it is about it’s everything—politics, country, pride, everything.

9) Lionel Messi is a househould name everywhere but in the States. Why? Because he is the world’s best soccer player. This also makes him the most famous athlete in the world right now, believe it or not. Sorry Tiger, LeBron, and Usain. Other stars to make yourself acquainted with: Wayne Rooney (England), Christiano Ronaldo (Portugal), Kaka (Brazil), and almost everyone on Spain’s team.



10) The host nation has advanced out of group play in every World Cup in history. Never before has the streak been in more doubt than in this tournament. South Africa is on a roll right now, but few believe they can advance. Speaking of a team with little hope, let’s discuss North Korea. A country that has kept itself isolated from the entire world (not to mention reason), North Korea come out to play in the World Cup. Because of the nature of the country, nobody really knows what to expect from them. They are in a group that has three other very good teams (including the 1st ranked Brazil team and the 3rd ranked Portugal team), so they probably won’t advance. But you never know. While we’re here, the format of the tournament goes as follows. 8 groups of 4 teams. Everyone in a group plays each other once and the top two go on to a single elimination tournament.

My Prediction: I think England or Spain will win the tournament, and while I expect the U.S. to advance out of group play, they will at most win one more game. And I hope more than anything I am wrong.

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Today’s recommendation: Immerse yourself into the World Cup and have some fun this next month. If you want more, here are some things to Google: the significance of the number 10, Argentina’s coach Mardona, and key World Cup injuries.

V is for Virginia is for Lovers

I have no idea how this idea of Virginia being for lovers came about. Nor do I think it makes any sense. Regardless, I decided to play a game where I take a spin on the old adage, cutting and pasting 40 different places with their own themes. My biggest goal is that someday a bumper sticker maker will see this post and take some of my ideas. I, of course, will then expect some royalties in return.

Virginia is for lovers.
West Virginia is for loners.
Las Vegas is for seedy people.
North Dakota is for winters.
Madagascar is for children.
Florida is for old people and alligators.
Hollywood is for sale.
Philadelphia is for affectionate siblings.
England is for pale people.
Texas is for big things.
Kenya is for runners.
Columbia is for drug lords.
Nebraska is for passing through.
Maine is for lobsters.
Paris is for buttheads.
Gotham is for villains.
New York is for haters.
Seattle is for nerds.
Alabama is for hillbillies and Reese Witherspoon.
The Internet is for predators.
Ireland is for leprechauns.
Arizona is for orange people.
Canada is for insecure people.
North Korea is for the oppressed.
Provo is for Mormons.
Detroit is for unions.
Georgia is for friendly people.
Hawaii is for men with flower shirts.
China is for workers.
Idaho is for white people.
San Francisco is for the different kind of lovers.
The Shire is for drinkers.
Washington D.C. is for liars.
Polynesia is for eaters.
The Vatican is for popes.
Wisconsin is for the morbidly obese.
Alaska is for men.
Delaware is for real—no really, it exists.
America is for Mexicans.

U is for Humor U

Hello faithful readers,

I am desperately trying to get to ‘W’ by Friday. So, as I prepare for the most important blog I’ve ever written (my World Cup preview), here is something to satiate your funny bone and hopefully make you think. I do stand up with a group called Humor U. This clip is from a set I gave in April.



While we’re here, I would like to formally announce that I will focus my efforts on my novel. Thanks to all of you who gave your two cents. I almost got enough to buy a hamburger.

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Today’s Recommendation: Start studying up on the World Cup. If you love sports, there is no reason to not make the most out of the best sports tournament in the world.

T is for Top 20

Since I haven’t decided yet on which book to work on (see “S”), I think I’ll spend some time with my blog. And since we all love lists I decided to make my top 20 albums list. However, after 15 it became kind of a crapshoot; I couldn’t decide which albums to include and which to leave off. So, while the title of this post clearly reads Top 20, this is only a Top 15. Sorry to disappoint.

Rules of the list:
1) This is a favorites list, not a “best of.” If I were stranded on a tropical island (really, who wants to be stuck on a desert island?), these have to be the honest-to-goodness albums I would take with me. While I’d love to include a Miles Davis or a Bob Dylan album on here to make myself sound impressive, I’d be lying.
2) No Best ofs or Greatest Hits allowed (or any compilation album for that matter). Sorry Simon & Garfunkel, Bob Marley, The Clash, and Steel Pulse; know that you’d be on this list otherwise.
3) It has to be a complete album. In other words, if I’m constantly skipping songs in the album, it shouldn’t be on this list.
4) No more than one album per artist. Otherwise, this wouldn’t be nearly as fun.
5) No female artists. (This rule isn’t real, but at least it explains my lack of the opposite sex. Before you call me sexist, remember that Lisa Hannigan does a lot of background vocals for Damien Rice. Also, Natalie Merchant and Dixie Chicks weren’t too far off this list . . . sort of.)
6) Finally, the music must be written by the artist performing the music in the album. Sorry 90% of famous musicians today. Rules are rules.


The Beatles - Rubber Soul
They were out of the teeny-bop, girl screaming days, and not quite immersed in the drugs and psychedelic phase. And the sound is good.
Favorite three songs: “In My Life,” “Girl,” and “I’m Looking Through You”

Radiohead - Pablo Honey
Incredibly impressive and very listenable.
Favorite three songs: “Stop Whispering,” “Anyone Can Play Guitar,” and “Creep (Acoustic Version)”

REM - Automatic for the People
This was my all time favorite when I was like 14 years old, and somehow it still remains a personal favorite.
Favorite three songs: “Drive,” “Nightswimming,” and “Find the River”

Coldplay - Viva la Vida or Death and all His Friends
Coldplay is for some reason one of the most polarizing bands ever. People either love them or hate them. I have to admit I am on the side of love. I feel like those who bash Coldplay are like Apple lovers who bash PCs vehemently. (Really? PCs suck? You had a better idea in the 90’s to revolutionize the home computer? Huh.)
Favorite three songs: “Death and all His Friends,” “Lost?”, and “Viva la Vida”

Tom Petty – Wildflowers
My favorite road trip album.
Favorite three songs: “Crawling Back to You,” “Wildflowers,” and “It’s Good to be King”

Pink Floyd - Wish You Were Here
Great when played in the dark. Creepy, but true.
Favorite three songs: (There are essentially four songs on this album; let’s not point out my least favorite)

Iron & Wine - Our Endless Numbered Days
I had a real hard time deciding between “Shepherd’s Dog” and this one. So I went with the one I fell in love with first. Besides, any album that is almost entirely about death has to be on my all time list. This is also a made up rule.
Favorite three songs: “Naked as we Came,” “Each Coming Night,” and “Sodom, South Georgia”

Wilco - Yankee Hotel Foxtrot
One of only a few on this list that I would seriously consider for all time favorite. (For more info, see “H”)
Favorite three songs: “I am Trying to Break Your Heart,” “Jesus, Etc.,” and “Kamera”

Jack Johnson - Brushfire Fairytales
Simple, yet beautiful music. (By the way, I dig his new album)
Favorite three songs: “Inaudible Melodies,” “Posters,” and “Flake”

The Shins - Chutes Too Narrow
Chalk full of tunes that will get stuck in your head (in a good way).
Favorite three songs: “Gone for Good,” “Pink Bullets,” and “Young Pilgrims”

Counting Crows - August & Everything After
This album answers the question: What would have happened if Da Vinci’s first painting was the Mona Lisa? Apparently, it doesn’t help to start your career with your masterpiece. Regardless of what Counting Crows have become, this album is proof they were once brilliant. This is a classic autumn-time album.
Favorite three songs: “Raining in Baltimore,” “Rain King,” and “Round Here”

Damien Rice – O
Passion + passion + folk music = Damien Rice.
Favorite three songs: “Delicate,” “Blower’s Daughter,” and “Cannonball”

matt pond PA – Emblems
This is our surprise entry for sure. But what can I say? I listen to it abundantly, there are a handful of songs I love, and the title of my novel was taken from this album. 2 & 2.
Favorite three songs: “The Butcher,” “New Hampshire,” and “Bring on the Ending”

U2 - Joshua Tree
As with Iron & Wine, I struggled on which album to include here. I usually would say “All That You Can’t Leave Behind,” but if I’m stuck on a tropical island, I've decided I want this one. Which is ironic if you consider the title of the album I decided to leave behind.
Favorite three songs: “Where the Streets Have No Name,” “Running to Stand Still,” and “In God’s Country”

Joshua James - The Sun is Always Brighter
I am pretty sure I was present when about half of the songs on this album were performed live for the first time. My friends and I used to go to “house shows” where Joshua would perform in someone’s basement or living room. There would be anywhere from 20-100 people at each of the shows. But regardless of the size, Joshua would always give it his all. He puts his heart and soul (and demons) in every number he writes and performs, and his music is as “real” as anything you’ll find anywhere. I have a handful of memories of watching him perform and thinking, “Wow--this man has it!” You know, “it.” I honestly believe that if Joshua wanted to make “hits” and sell tons of records, he could be as big as anyone, but because he chooses to write about the stories untold, he’ll only make it big slowly (as he is already doing).
Favorite three songs: “Commodore,” “Geese,” “Lord, Devil, and Him”

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Today’s Recommendation: Hate the Lakers.

S is for Starting a Book

I’ve been neglectful with my blog. Not that anyone else cares, but still, I have been. I’d like to explain why.

I recently decided to turn an idea I’ve had for years into a book. So I started writing a book about a 20-something single man living in Utah. Sounds stupid, doesn’t it? Trust me, it’s only kind of stupid. A couple weeks later, while driving to work, I had an idea for a joke book. So then I started writing a joke book too. I’ve told a few people about it and they all agree it’s a really stupid idea. One stupid book idea + one stupid book idea = two stupid book ideas and an absolute waste of a sentence. Anyway, between the two books and writing my regular stand up material, I have become, as Bilbo Baggins so eloquently put it, “like butter scraped over too much bread.” And I need your help.

I’ve come to the realization that I probably need to just pick one of the two books and write until it is done, and then move on to the other book. But which book do I write first? Do I go with the joke book that won’t take nearly as long (hopefully only a few months)? Or do I go with the real book that will take years to do properly (especially with the schedule I have), but will be more fulfilling? Or should I scrap writing altogether and focus on ping pong? I mean, both book ideas are stupid . . .

Please give me your feedback. I know a lot of you email me your thoughts on my blog. You’re welcome to do that or post a comment. Either way, I could use some help deciding which route to go. That way I can spend more time on my true love, this blog.

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Today’s Recommendation: I saw an edited version of Slumdog Millionaire this past weekend. I don’t know what exactly was taken out, but I thought it had one of the best film endings I have ever seen. If nothing else, I recommend you watch the end. And to understand the end, watch the rest of the film, too.

R is for The Road

A few weeks ago I recommended the book The Road by Cormac McCarthy. I have since decided the book deserved its own post.

When I first read the book, I thought, “Wow.” But as the past few weeks have rolled by, and as I’ve thought more and more about it, I’ve come to think, “Double Wow.” (That’s right, double wow.) It’s hard to quantify why I love the book so much, other than to say it felt different than any other book I’ve ever read, and McCarthy is nothing short of brilliant. The imagery and lessons beautifully rendered in this book have forever changed the way I view the world, and I am confident it will be a staple of my bookshelf for the rest of my life.

The Road is a story placed in a “barren, silent, godless” world; the end of the world. There is no hope. None. And yet, in the shape of one father and one son, there is goodness. And that’s it, that’s the book. You never know the father’s name, and you never know the son’s name. And all they do is make their way down the road in hopes of getting to the coast.

It’s a book filled with mystery, and you are left with far more questions than answers. What happened that made the whole world on fire? How did things get so bad? How many people are still alive? For heaven’s sake, what are their names? And perhaps the biggest question of all: How do the father and son maintain their goodness in a world literally gone to hell?

The answer to the latter question is probably found in their love for each other. The father’s entire existence is to protect his son, who he loves unfailingly. And the son—very likely the most endearing character in all of literary history—simply follows his father. In his life, the son has only known a world where men have degenerated to something less than beasts. And yet he carries only virtue in his heart.

Man has a great propensity for evil. History has shown that when push comes to shove many resort to tremendous evil. But history has also shown that despite the evils of the world, there is still goodness. And in that goodness, there is always hope. Even when the world offers none. And that is why I love The Road.


“Do you remember that little boy, Papa?”
“Yes. I remember him.”
“Do you think that he’s all right that little boy?
“Oh yes. I think he’s all right.”
“Do you think he was lost?”
“No I don’t think he was lost.”
“I’m scared that he was lost.”
“I think he’s all right.”
“But who will find him if he’s lost? Who will find the little boy?”
“Goodness will find the little boy. It always has. It will again.”

Q is for Quiet

When I was 18 years old I went to a U2 concert. After camping out for approximately 24 hours before the show, my friends and I secured a spot in the front row, right in between Bono and The Edge. There I was, just feet away from the favorite band of my youth.

U2 have been renowned as arguably the best live band in the world, and as far I was concerned, they were. Not only did my throat become hoarse with the screaming, but so did my ears and eyes. I was thoroughly over-hoarsed and over stimulated by the visual and audio bonanza. Picture Kevin from Home Alone screaming in the mirror for three straight hours—that was me. I had seen some good shows before, and I have seen some great shows since, but nothing has ever come close to my front row experience with U2 in their prime.

My favorite moment from the concert came during the song “One.” The song was especially poignant at the time since the concert was not even two months removed from 9-11. During a brief moment of quiet in the song, I realized that I couldn’t here a single peep from the crowd. In an arena jam-packed with people who had been acting like a particularly excited brand of Pentecostals all night, there was absolute silence. The calm of the moment completely overwhelmed me, shooting goose bumps through my whole body.

Somehow, amid the smorgasbord of sound and revelry that I had enjoyed all night, the one moment that left me completely in awe was one of silence.

Since that time I have come to appreciate the quiet more and more. I have come to love art that captures the sounds of silence (to steal a line from Paul Simon). A good artist can use a lot of words or images to create a vivid picture, one that is easily comprehended. But a great artist can do the same with far less; they can say a ton without seeming to say anything at all. Because once you can connect the dots on your own . . . well, good things happen.

About a month ago I was at a music festival in California. A man who is highly esteemed in musical education was there as a clinician, and he made two points that stuck with me. The first was that here in America we tend to celebrate the beats in our music. We love repetitive beats that are predictable and obvious. He then pointed out that in places such as Africa, they tend to celebrate everything in between the beats. We’re so caught up in getting to the next link in a chain of sound that we fail to appreciate the silence in between.

The second thing he talked about is how moments of silence in music are often times as powerful, or even more powerful, than the music itself. He implored his pupils to embrace the silence, and not be afraid of it. In these moments, he explained, we allow for the music to move in us, for our thoughts to form and comprehension set in. In a subtle way, these two connected thoughts were very profound to me.

I think this idea can be applied to literature and film as well. Art moves in us, and comprehension sets in, best when our thoughts have space to move around. And this occurs in the quiet. Many call this type of art boring. Sometimes it is. However, perhaps it is only boring because it requires something of us: our minds. And if we’re not willing to give the effort, it seems lacking.

But it’s not just art, it’s everything. It’s those moments during a deep conversation when nobody says anything for long stretches of time, seemingly letting it all sink in. It’s those moments when you find yourself in a grove of trees, and all you can hear is the breeze moving in and out of the wood. And it’s those moments when the soft breathing of a sleeping loved one inexplicably reminds you how much you love them.

It’s even in the scriptures. Scriptures teach us to “be still.” I think we are told to be still because there is something significant in the quiet waiting for us, something profound. And you don’t have to go to a concert to find it.

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Today’s recommendation: One song that I think captures silence beautifully is “All the Wild Horses” by Ray Lamontagne. Try it at least a couple times, preferably when you are in a place where you can listen to it without distraction. My wife admitted to me that at first she thought it was just boring. Now, it’s one of her favorite songs. She loves it so much that she made an arrangement of it on the piano.